SOS
by Little Cute Girl
Summary: Save our souls since we are lost. Between the reality and the dream, we are toys of the city, wandering around, trying to find place we can call home.


**SOS**

When I was thirteen, I wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to help others. I always tried to help others, even when they didn't need it. Some of these people used me. But I was too naïve to notice it. I trusted them that they would be nicer. They weren't.

When I was fourteen, I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to write about people. They were fascinating. They often made me space out in my thoughts. I liked to picture myself in their shoes. I often followed the wrong people and they made me do things I didn't really want to. The mass pressure was too strong to deny their requests.

When I was sixteen, I didn't know what I wanted. I was lost between the walls of the houses I often passed by. The only thing that kept me away from drowning myself in the nearest river was my best friend. She was my rock in the middle of sea. I stood on it, I was safe from the sea.

When I was seventeen, I wanted to be fire. Fire burnt things. I wanted to burn the school down. Sumire was ready to help me whenever I asked. We were our little team. Teachers always looked at us like we were bad news. We never denied that we weren't. Hotaru always told me how disappointed she was with me. Soft kisses on her cheek made her smile and hug me. Almost everything was solved with kisses and hugs between us. We tried to be honest with each other. She had me and I was there for her.

When I was eighteen, I wanted to be a snowflake that would float in the sky and be free. Snowflakes are free until they crash against the hard ground or float down in a pile of snow. Either way, it was better than being a wrecked person that was named as Mikan Sakura.

I had lost Hotaru. She left me in a club after finding me high and half-passed out on public bathroom's floor.

"I'm tired of this, Mikan. Trying to keep you up when you try your best to be down is the hardest task I have ever done and I'm done with it. I'm sorry, forgive me."

That night Sumire tried to tell me that I'm still the old me, no matter what people around me said.

I wanted to live and be free. I wanted to be free from people who always tried to pull me down. I didn't want to go under the stream of the river because I would drown. I didn't want to drown.

When I was nineteen, I had lost myself.

I was addicted to getting high. University was a mess. I was daydreaming for half of the lectures.

I had a boyfriend. He told me he loved me. I never believed him because I was a sad case. He often got hurt because of me. He didn't care because he loved me in every way. We often got high on my bed and then made love under the glowing stars that were stuck on my ceiling.

He often whispered sweet nothings in my ear and I giggled in his mouth as we made out. We were not perfect but _together_ we were infinite.

When I was twenty, I was a cheater.

I cheated on my boyfriend behind his back. I didn't care about anything.

I wanted to be free.

Sumire stopped talking to me and I was left being just there, living in a place I didn't like and never would love.

There were days when I stayed in my room all day, smoking and drinking with my friends I had gathered from university.

They were loud, living for one day every day and doing stuff I thought I would never have the guts to do.

But things go downhill.

I overdosed once. Can't remember how much but I remember that those were pills that tasted like strawberries.

I woke up in hospital. Everything around me was so white that it made my head ache. I was alone and no one had time to visit me.

Look how pitiful everything had turned.

One day, when my doctor let me ring to home, I talked to my mother with who I haven't had a chat for three months. We had a fight and she called me a brat and that's how we ended up not talking at all.

"Mikan, why didn't you tell us that you had depression? We could help you, baby."

Depression, it is what it always was. It wasn't like I was broken inside and I had lost myself. It wasn't like I went to sleep crying just to wake up, feeling ten times worse. It was only a fucking depression that happens to every young adult. Like it was something every young person went through to turn into an adult and we couldn't escape it if we tried.

I was so tired of the lie that I started to scream.

The doctors came back and told me to calm down. I spat on their faces and they tied my hands together and didn't let me go until I calmed down.

I stayed in hospital for two weeks.

After that, I went back to the streets. I tried to keep myself clean from all the drugs my friends tried to give me.

I tried but often I ended up swallowing a pill in a month.

Unknown to me, my mother signed me up to lectures for young people who were suffering from drug addiction.

I was mad at her for doing it since I was capable of stopping from using drugs. It was a sign that she didn't trust me and it made me madder even more.

The lectures were hell. They were boring, they made me angry and I wanted to slap everyone in there because they were talking to me like I was six. They had no tolerance to me.

The only good thing in the lectures was Natsume Hyuuga, the guy with the charming smile who told me to keep strong. He told it to everyone but the way he looked at me made me think that he still believed that there was escape for me.

When I was twenty one, I found hope.

Hope to be free and keep fighting.

The lectures were amazing. They made me believe in myself and they kept me being clean for more than six months.

"I can't believe you have done this, Mikan." Natsume told me as he gave me a hug. He gave hugs to everyone, I kept telling myself. I was nothing special, just a hopeless person he had to keep away from drugs. That was our relationship, nothing more.

"It's all thanks to you." I whispered back and gave his cheek a kiss.

There was nothing serious between us. It was just the way we parted ways before weekend. He would whisper how great I am and I would thank him.

There was nothing going on between us.

When I was twenty two, I found happiness.

In my birthday, Natsume gave me flowers and a kiss on the cheek. It was nothing serious but it made me happy. So, so happy that for a moment I had a belief that things would get better and stay good.

Later in the year, Hotaru found me. She actually asked my mother where I was. She told her I lived with Natsume. We didn't live together like a couple. We lived together like two pals who held each other above the river. We looked after each other. Natsume looked after me because my mother paid him and I looked after Natsume because I felt like I needed to do it.

"I'm so sorry I left you," were the first words Hotaru said to me as she pulled me in a hug and hid her face in my hair. We stayed like that for ten minutes. Then, Natsume pulled me away from Hotaru. In return, he got kicked in the leg. We laughed it off like good friends who just hadn't met after not knowing where the other was for years.

With time, Hotaru moved in with us. Me and Hotaru, we were sharing a bed when Natsume was sleeping on the couch in the living room.

Sometimes, it got too much and I had to leave home for few hours. I would wander around the city, look in some bookshops and get a warm cup of tea from coffee shops. People in coffee shops were the nicest since they smelt like coffee and donuts, and they always smiled, no matter what.

At the end of the day, I would always come back because I had nowhere else to go. Somehow, Natsume's flat ended up to be my _home_.

I didn't tell him it for months until he made me yell at him for not being home for three days. I knew he had personal life and it didn't involve me in every way but once I realized that I wanted to be in his life in every way that was possible. I wanted to be a part of his life because I doubted I would ever find a guy who would treat me so good and wonderful.

Natsume Hyuuga was wonderful and I wanted to live with him.

After I told him it in a way I didn't want to, I ran away.

I was running around the city, trying to find some place to stay for a night. The closest bakery shop let me stay, only if I paid them few dollars. We made a deal and I was left alone in the bakery for the night.

While sleeping on a couch near a window, I was looking outside. It was early spring and nights were getting shorter than days. The street lamps weren't on but I could see the street without a light. There were few people who were wandering around but I knew none of them.

I thought of Natsume and the way he made me feel. I admitted myself that I was in love with him and I wanted to be together with him. I had no idea if he wanted the same and I was afraid of finding out the truth.

I felt asleep looking at the pale sky.

When I woke up, the bakery's owner was behind the till, collecting money and checking some papers. I thanked him for letting me stay over and left.

Once I reached home, I was greeted by Hotaru with a hug and a warm kiss on my cheek.

"Never ever leave us like that, Mikan." She whispered in my hair as she kissed my forehead.

As I stepped away from her, I noticed Natsume behind her. He was looking at me with tired eyes, as if I was someone he didn't want to see.

"I'm sorry I ran away." I told them both, looking mostly at Natsume. "I needed some time alone."

Hotaru turned around to look at Natsume and nod at him. Then, she disappeared in our room, leaving us two alone in the living room.

"Mikan Sakura, do you have any idea how worried I was about you?" Natsume asked me, taking small steps closer to me.

I looked down at the ground, not really wanting to meet his piercing gaze that made my insides twist. This was serious. Natsume was using his serious tone which didn't mean good news at all.

"I'm sorry. I have no idea what to do. You know how I feel about everything, about you, you know me and the mess I am at the moment. Please, don't make this harder for me." I told him, as I cried, covering my face with my hands.

Soft, calm touch made me freeze. Natsume took my hands away from my face and looked in my eyes. He caressed my face and leaned in to kiss me. It was a short kiss and yet, it made me feel warm and safe.

"Please, Mikan, never run away from us. Don't leave me alone, you know how dear you are to me." He told me as he led me in his embrace.

I closed my eyes and breathed in his scent, the smell of home.

I was safe.

**The End**

**~LCG**


End file.
